Not a day goes by.
January 5th came and went. Oh how I wished that I went into my ultrasound that day, saw two beautiful bouncing babies, got another set of adorable profile photos, listen to their thumping heartbeats, get an all good from my doctor and happily go home. I would have gone to bunko that night and showed off my photos, excitedly talk about the New Year and what would be. Instead a year ago our world came crashing down, bunko was canceled and I sat on a couch in shock and tears with my family.
This year-I spent most of the day under a blanket on the couch with teary swollen eyes. Kyle brought me flowers and gave me hugs, he whispered in my ear that he wished things were different too. I snuggled my littlest boy..my 2nd twinless twin and I apologized to him - apologized for so many things that for whatever reason, I wasn't able to give him either. Kyle had to go reff that evening, so I sat alone on the couch with the kids, in silence of grief.
I know, why would I apologize to Madden? It wasn't my fault, I was doing everything I could think of to keep them safe. My brain knows this, but my heart has a hard time not feeling like I failed him from having his twin sister. I- well my body- was suppose to protect her. There was nothing wrong genetically- so where did something go wrong? What did my body do to fail? I just don't understand why. So all I could do was apologize to him. Of course he doesn't understand and all I have to show him someday are black and white photos of him and his sister side by side. Which doesn't seem like enough.
I didn't realize that because Quinn wasn't actually born, what a lonely day the 2nd worst day of our lives actually was. Its like because she spent almost 19 weeks sleeping inside me, her life was different then if she were born alive, and given a birth certificate. The true silence of grief. I wasn't prepared for that. With Ashlyn there is always more mention of her name around the anniversaries of her life and death, by family especially. Its like because she was born, she was real, we held her and said goodbye...she had a birth and death date. A place at a cemetery to go put flowers, or visit just because. Because Quinn lay sleeping, that she passed in the 2nd trimester, or she wasn't at a point of viability, or because I didn't get to hold her in my arms, its not the "same"? Instead, I have a gift bag with a box in it, that holds what I have left of my baby on my dresser that says differently. (don't get me started on the gift bag...) Its been there for several months now and I can't bring myself to "finalize" her remains. Whatever that even means. I guess I need to get an urn for her. *sigh* Thats not exactly a fun way to spend an afternoon searching websites for. Trust me, I have done it a few times.
For any mother who has lost a child, the mere mention of their angels name speaks volumes. Someone other then yourself remembers. The simple question of how are you doing..or thinking of you today mean that you aren't alone in your grief. Acknowledgment. I went back and forth that day to post any thing on facebook. I typed and erased several times. I didn't want to, for the sake of calling "attention" to my heartache. But I wanted to, because I didn't want to sit in silence and not acknowledge my daughter in really the only public way I know how... I was thankful for the responses I did get, probably more then those who commented will ever know. For a second they went out of their way and acknowledged her too. For a moment, I didn't want to feel so alone. I wanted others to remember too.
This year two stockings were hung up for Christmas..newly stitched with two precious names, that hung empty. All 3 of my girls have matching ones. Sad how that worked out.
January 5th came and went. Silently.
A friend did send me a poem that day, actually, a friend I have never met. Its one I haven't read before. It meant so much that she sent it. Its about the silent grief that a mother has.
My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
For no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
I do know my girls are with me. I know my girls are watching over their twins. Its apparent when Madden is CLEARLY smiling and talking past us to nothing. Haley use to do the same thing. Its been a hard week- I wish I would have blogged sooner. I just didn't bring myself to "get it out" but when I do, it helps so much. So instead of laying in bed not sleeping, I figured I should do something with my insomnia. Now hopefully with the one year angelversary behind me-I can move forward and focus on other things- like my 3 year old turning 4 next week. My 6 year old turning 7 next month and my baby turning 1 in almost 3 months. (*ok and my daughter turning 9 in 4 months..as she would say "its not FAIR I am last!" haha) We have some busy months ahead of us. Time just keeps marching on.
This time last year...
Anyone who has dealt with a life changing event, with grief, knows exactly what I am talking about. Its the sick game that we play as every little thing reminds us of what was going on last year at this time. All of those anniversaries, milestones, holidays.
October 13th I sat in a waiting room with my husband and 3 children. Waiting to see our future child's heartbeat and got the surprise of our life..two beautiful heartbeats. We laughed. Little tears ran down my checks as I watched that screen. Tears of pure joy. The tech didn't quite understand, so we explained God's gift to us- everything fit into place. Everything had a reason now. We immediately called our family in the car on the way to a photoshoot I had set up. I could barely concentrate while I took pictures of a baby boy...excitedly saying, "oh my gosh" over and over. I was in shock.
This time last year, I was sick as could be and doing photoshoots, many of my clients probably wondered why I was so pale. Trying every morning sickness trick in the book..I just prayed I didn't throw up at their house. Many of them I told our exciting news to. It was hard not to share the gift God was blessing us with. This year, those who didn't know what happened looked at me a little sideways when I brought just one baby with me remembering that I had said I was pregnant with twins...others who knew, said nothing.
Last year at Halloween, I thought about Halloween 2010... cute costumes for all 5 kids..what would the twins be?? Would I have enough time to make the costumes? would they all let me pick a theme? would we have boys or girls or one of each??
Right after Thanksgiving last year we found out we would be having a boy and a girl. Nothing could have been more perfect. I was scared to have 2 girls..for all those reasons of our first set. Too similar and I didn't want all of those feelings to come back. I didn't want them to be identical either because I was scared for anything to go wrong with placentas etc. So one of each? a sister for Haley and a brother for the boys. I was going to get my pink one more time. I thought about this time next year and how I would get to dress her in dresses, and have baby dolls and strollers again. Dress up and bows...
This time last year, I got my Christmas decorations out. Remember my stocking story? Ya.. well I am not looking for that moment this year as I pull them all out. It stings. a lot.
This time last year, I was looking at Children's place and matching little girl dresses to big girl dresses, and little boy vests and dress shirts to big boy shirts..all matching each other. Matching jammies, and Picturing how adorable they would all look and hoping I could get the perfect Christmas card photo for 2010. Last year I was thinking about what it would be like to take all 5 kids to see Santa, and wanted to make sure the twins sat separately so they always had an individual picture with Santa too. I couldn't wait to have two crawling around a Christmas tree...finally.
Instead, I think of the woman who was foolishly excited, happy and so full of joy at this time last year. How she thought 2010 had so much in store and couldn't wait for them to be in her arms. She thought about how it would be the next year with sleeping arrangements, who would go where, carseats and highchairs. She thought about what would need to be done if she went on bedrest. She thought about getting to each safety milestone, 24 weeks, 28 weeks, 32...knowing she would do everything it would take to get them as close to term as possible so they would be healthy.
She never thought it would be like this. That wouldn't happen again. Nope. God wouldn't do that. She wouldn't get a 2nd chance to just go through grief again. Maybe have NICU time, but never did her thoughts go there. Little did she know what was going to happen just after the New Year.
May 27th 2002 changed me in more ways ever imaginable especially at the age of 22. I was now a person who understood that life wasn't perfect or goes as planned. I learned the hard way that heartache was real and saying goodbye to your baby was indescribable. I had to be strong, I leaned on God. I learned to live my new normal. I trusted that there was a reason for life to be the way it was and was forever changed.
This time last year, I was a different person then I am this year. I will never be that person again... my outlook on life is different and once again has been forever changed. I again have another new normal. A new NEW normal. A normal that I wish was different. 2010 has made me who I will be now, just as 2002 did.
For now, I just keep playing that game of "This time last year"...as I hit all of those year milestones...and instead of looking back fondly on those memories, it just reminds me that things should be different. Read more...
Chefs Auction:
My comments go to my gmail account, that also gets flooded with facebook. So I am sorry if I don't respond all the time, often I don't see them. I need to change where they go! I did see that it was asked if I could post what I read at the March of Dimes Chef Auction...
So here is what I read- Its called Imagine two babies- (and yes, I will even share my cheesy intro that I actually do a good job saying so it doesn't sound like I am reading it..haha)
Hello! My name is Bree Hughes and this is my daughter Haley. In 2003 we walked in our first March of Dimes sponsored event. I am also the captain of Team Heaven’s Hope. In just the last 4 years combined our team has raised over $10,000. I am here to tell you about why March of Dimes is so important to us. I am going to read what I have written so that way I have a better chance of sharing all of it with you J So please bear with me..
Imagine two babies…
So small your wedding ring can fit up her arm. Who are just a tad longer than a Barbie Doll. Who weigh less than a 2lb bag of beans. Babies born so early the doctors tell you they have a 50% chance to survive. Who are covered in so many wires and tubes, Imagine the only noises you hear are the beeping machines monitoring their every breath. Whose eyes still haven't completely opened yet, and their skin is so bright red and transparent because they have zero body fat. Whose tiny foot prints were only 2 inches long. Babies you could hold in the palms of your hands very easily. Imagine hearing a doctor tell you "they have tried everything, and there is nothing more they could do". A baby you had to lay aside her twin sister for the very last time. A baby you had to say good bye to...
There is a thin line between life and death when it comes to premature babies. That was our reality in May of 2002. I delivered at only 25 weeks, our identical daughters Haley and Ashlyn both weighing 1 pound, 14 ounces. We became the 50% statistic that day. Ashlyn sadly passed away in our arms 20 hours after her birth, suffering from brain bleeds and tiny little lungs that were just too immature.
Now imagine the surviving baby who at only 5 days old, was told that she needed an operation on a valve between her heart and lungs. A baby you couldn't pick up and hold for almost a month and spent 5 weeks on a ventilator. Imagine getting to hold her for the very first time under heavy supervision and needing to tape her wires and tubes onto you. Doctors telling you that even THEY didn’t know what her outcome would be, if she would live or if she would die… A baby you almost lost one night, because she wouldn't take a breath for several minutes, and thoughts of another funeral flooded your mind. A baby who amazingly recovered from moderate brain bleeds. Who fought to breathe on her own. Who had to pass a car seat test before even coming home. Who passed several eye exams with no complications. A baby who still had to come home on oxygen, but came off of it 2 weeks later on her due date. Who spent 6 months on an apnea monitor, without a single alarm. A baby you were told, would most likely be re-admitted for illness in the months and years to come, but never did. A baby that could have multiple delays from such an early arrival and possibly cerebral palsy, but doesn't. Now imagine a child who is 8 years old, and who beat all odds.
Both of our girls were given an artificial surfactant, which is an oily substance that helps their tiny lungs inflate before they could produce their own, which was created with the help of March of Dimes. Without that- Haley would not be here with us today, it was enough to sustain her little lungs until she could make it on her own, and it worked. Once we were home, I was left with the question. Why did I go into labor at 21 weeks? Why were they born almost 4 months too soon? Doctors could not give me a reason other than “twins”. I was told it was just something that happens and they don’t know why. Instantly I knew that I wanted to be part of the mission to find out WHY, so research could be done to help prevent it from happening again. So other parents would never have to experience the heartache from holding their baby for the last time. Being optimistic, we decided to have another child, he arrived 6 weeks early, which was a great accomplishment from the first but again, I was left without a reason for why I went into labor early with him. So I started to do my own research when I was pregnant with our 3rd. I read that March of Dimes had done research with progesterone shots during pregnancy to help prevent premature births. Studies seemed promising for some women…so I asked my doctor about it and she said we had nothing to lose at this point, so we tried it. I was given 15 injections. The shots worked and I walked into the day of my scheduled c-section delivering a full term baby boy weighing in at 8lbs 8oz J Healthy as can be! I finally had my wireless baby, and no NICU stay!
Now Imagine having to go through it all over again…
The fight against prematurity is not over.. it’s a never ending battle - even when you think you have figured out how to prevent it from happening again. This exact time last year, we got shocking and exciting news! An early ultrasound showed us we were pregnant with natural twins for a second time! We could not believe we were being blessed to have this opportunity again, how amazing! What a story to tell! I was immediately referred to a high risk doctor and armed with my past experiences, research and information- my doctor and I made a great team. We knew just what we needed to do this time and instantly put a plan in place. Starting at 9 weeks pregnant, I went to the doctor every 2-3 weeks to check cervical length and check the babies on ultrasound. At 14 weeks, we found out that we would be having fraternal twins this time, a little boy and a little girl. I started progesterone injections at week 16, my wonderful husband gave me my weekly injections. Everything was going as to plan.
Just after the New Year, we headed up to Portland for another checkup. I had felt uneasy this time and I couldn’t figure out why, I was very anxious to see the babies on screen just to make sure everything was ok. Immediately my heart sank. I could tell something was wrong. The tech did a few measurements and got very quiet. She excused herself from the room and I knew instantly. Our little girl had passed away half way through our pregnancy. My doctor explained how extremely rare this was to have happened in the 2nd trimester. We agreed to do amnios to see if a birth defect was the cause for her death. Weeks later, the results showed a healthy baby girl. We will never know why she passed away. Our situation became a greater risk now with nowhere for her to go, she would remain until birth. There was potential this could complicate the pregnancy further for our surviving twin. I was at even more risk to go into premature labor. I continued the progesterone injections and was monitored very closely.
For the next 10 weeks, there was something going wrong at each appointment. I honestly didn’t think I would make it past 30 weeks. The pregnancy finally started to become as normal as it could be under the circumstances for about a month, until a trip to the hospital at 33 weeks showed I was in preterm labor. With the contractions not making much change, I was instructed to go home on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. An appointment midweek also showed no change. I was determined to get to 34 weeks. The day after I hit my 34th week, and the same day as the March for Babies walk …my labor had progressed and another late night trip to the hospital proved we could not stop labor. I gave birth to our son Madden Quinn and his sister Quinn Faith just after midnight. We once again had to do what no parent should…we had to say goodbye to our baby girl.
Madden did amazingly well for being 6 weeks early. He was born at 4lbs 13oz. With the wonderful NICU Doctors and Nurses, and his fighting personality, he came home on Mother’s Day, only 2 weeks after he was born. I found out later that once Quinn passed away, my doctor didn’t have much hope I would even carry our little boy much further, each week that went by, I beat more odds. I feel that the progesterone injections once again, helped get me further in a pregnancy that could have ended much earlier. If it hadn’t been for the research done, I wouldn’t have ever tried it. I am grateful for that research.
My family is proof that March of Dimes research is working, it is helping prevent premature birth and it’s saving the lives of babies even if the outcomes aren’t always what we hoped for. Our children are a daily reminder of all the hard work March of Dimes is doing.
Please remember that even though we thought we had a solution that worked for us to prevent premature birth, anything can complicate a pregnancy and the fight is far from over. That is why we can never stop giving to March of Dimes as many families need the help and hope that the foundation provides.
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to share our story with you.
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So there you have it. My speech for the 2010 Chefs Auction in Eugene, Oregon.
happy endings
I have watched my outlook on God change immensely this year. Sometimes I wonder how many times I can get knocked down, brush off my knees and just keep on believing. I watched what could have been a wonderful story of how He can take our trials and turn them around for praise, 2nd chances, answers to prayer, making sense of the "everything happens for a reason" all to His glory..fall to questions, frustration and losing the blind faith that He can answer all prayers. We all feel like we have a direct line to God, from simple prayers to big prayers. I wonder why my line seemed to be disconnected this year when others felt like the simplest of prayers, like having all the lights on the way to work green...were answered. It seems like more of like a half full half empty type feeling to me...Where I once praised God in all things big and small..I feel like the small things seem so trivial, since sometimes the big things can't be answered? If we really aren't in control, why bother? And since I feel we do have free will..why can people do all the right things and still have unfavorable endings? When others can do everything wrong and still get what they want?
Anyhoo..this time last year I just found out that we were getting a 2nd chance at twins. Oh my how elated and excited we were. The biggest blessing ever, something only God could have a hand in. I was the happiest I have been in 8 years. What a story! We felt like it was the perfect ending to completing our family. I felt cautious yet comforted. Lightening wouldn't strike twice would it? I was so ready to finally get my chance again. God had a sense of humor, and I laughed because anytime we planned..God laughed and showed us His plan. My pregnancy was God centered. What a testimony! I couldn't believe it!
I spoke at a March of Dimes event during this time, telling a room full of people about our story. As my eyes welled and I looked out at the attendees, there was not a dry eye. They stood and applauded, for what felt like forever..and it really was. It was the most powerful thing I have ever felt..and I HATE public speaking with a passion. I HATE IT. ha. Amazingly the entire time, I couldn't WAIT to speak next year and tell them a whole new wonderful ending. That amazing endings can happen. That with faith, prayer, and medical advances we could get those 9 months. That happy ending.
I was asked back this year. This time in Eugene. I am not ready. I can barely even think about what I am going to say with out a lump in my throat and tears filling my eyes. I have ignored it for the last couple weeks and the day is here. Maybe it is too soon. My heart still has a gaping hole that has not healed..and pretty sure this time it never will. I am changed. Its different this time then it was when we lost Ashlyn. Then I had hope for the future, to see how our life would evolve with trials..how it would change us and help us grow, to see as years go by how God had a reason for everything..now? I don't know what I have..but I feel defeated. I was so excited about 2010 and all the things it was going to bring. I feel like I have failed in some way. I am changed.
So now I get to add "the rest of the story" to quote Paul Harvey..Its not the exciting victory that I thought we were going to have when we thought we were armed with we needed. Its not the perfect ending. Its not even my 2nd chance. It is what it is.
I have 4 miracle children. True miracles. Not one of them was easy to bring into this world. Each one had its own set of complications and it truly is amazing that 4 of our 6 are with us. In all reality, only 2 really had the best chances. Even then, I kind of wonder how the heck they made it! Haley and Madden are survivors, against every odd. Madden surprised us and especially my doctor. He didn't think I would make it much farther in the pregnancy once Quinn passed away. And here he is. Even though this past year didn't end how I thought it would a year ago..I just accept that it could always have been worse. We could have lost Madden as well. He is our bittersweet happy ending. He is my joy. All 4 of them are my joy. Even though he is a surviving twin, and I will never get to experience being a twin mommy like I had always wanted to be since I was a little girl..not many can say they conceived two sets of twins naturally under the age of 30. ha. Does Hallmark make a card for that? :)
Today I will speak in front of hundreds once again. With a completely different ending then I thought I would be sharing about...but its our story...and its still happy, just in a different way. Bittersweet happy...a feeling I am all too familiar with.
Strength
I have always been told I am strong.
In elementary school a friend and I would get into an arguement. Typically (if I wasn't in the wrong) I would stand my ground and not play into the "crap" and go play something else. Sometimes I would be alone, sometimes a friend or two would come with me. The other person often ran off with 5 of our friends and cried her eyes away. So much support went to her and I never understood why especially because she was the one being mean.
I was strong. I wasn't going to be "weak" and try to get a ton of attention from it.
When I went on bedrest with the girls, I was told how strong I was. How they didn't think they would be able to sit there without going crazy for so long not getting out of bed or showering. How they didn't know how I didn't just sit there and cry and be scared I was going to lose them. I was scared. Terrified. But I didn't have a choice. I had to do it for my girls. I had to be strong. If I was weak, I wouldn't get safely to a milestone I needed them to be at to survive. Once there, honestly- not a moment crossed my mind once they were both born fighting that I would lose one. I thought I already endured the hardest thing in my life and that we had made it. Until the next day. Saying goodbye? It was unbelievable. I was told how amazingly strong I was. I had to wake up and take care of my other little girl that needed me. I had to be strong. For her and me. I was told many times how they didn't know how I could do it. If it were them, they would have never gotten out of bed. They wouldn't be able to do it. At this point, I was wondering WHY if all these other women have told me they couldn't be strong..why did I HAVE to be strong so I could go through this? I didn't want to be strong. I didn't want tragedy to chose ME because I could deal with it... I would have rather have both my girls then be strong.
As the years went on I turned the worst days of my life around for the good. Not a day went by I didn't think of what we had been through. Think about my twins. about our little girl gone. Or see my wonderfully LUCKY little girl growing and thriving with out complications. It just became life. In this time I have helped other women who have been touched with loss, raised money and awareness. Spoke at walks and dinners. I was strong. When others would have fell apart. Not wanted to get out of bed. Struggled to live or find the light in heartbreak. I dug in deep and held on to my faith and was strong.
When I found out we were expecting twins again. I was terrified. I already knew what the worst thing that could happen was. Lived it already. Been there. My faith was so strong. I prayed daily sometimes hourly for my growing babies. I was strong when all I felt like I was doing was reliving a painful past. It was hard to block the fears out of losing one or both. But I had faith that God gave me these two babies for a reason. This time it was going to work out. It had to. Because a person can only be so strong right? I couldn't live in that fear.
Its been 8 months since our lives changed and we lost another little girl but the reality of it for only 3 months. I had support from friends and family in the beginning. But life goes on. And I know its not far from their minds but its also not in the front. But again...I am suppose to be strong, and move on. I am sure its the same in any situation..losing a loved one, dealing with cancer or some other life changing event. Everyone rallies around..then as time goes on...it dwindles. And the person is left to be strong. alone. And when I say alone..its more of a internal alone..because you can be surrounded daily with people and live life and still feel alone. It just takes time. This time, I am having a harder time finding that "strong" I have seemed to be so full of before. Before I leaned on God,...and now..that faith feels silent. I often wonder why as Christians we work so hard to help others come to faith, but don't often help lift up those with a dimming light and struggling. Is it because we don't have the answers when bad things happen and when they happen a couple times, what do you say to that? We are good at praising the triumphs. But the trials? Those are harder to explain. So is it better left unsaid?
I would joke and quote Mother Teresa.. "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. " Many times I begged God to stop trusting me so much. I didn't want to be strong. People who weren't strong didn't have to go through these things. I often wondered if I were "weak" or if I couldn't handle it that maybe I wouldn't have lost my girls?
I am hearing those all too familiar words again...At least you still have one. Yes. Madden is the best thing ever and I am so thankful for him. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't have two. That I had to return little girl clothes back to the store. That all the excitement of being a mother of twins again was gone. Its so often with a surviving twin, that the grief of the other one is masked. People don't understand how a mother can be sad when she is still holding one of the babies. Its still not both of them. Your heart always feels like there is mothering left undone.
I was also told again this week after I was asked how many kids I had and that I had my hands full.. if they only knew how much more full they would have been....
I don't want to be strong. But this feeling of being weak doesn't feel so good either. Instead of strength at this point, its more like perseverance.
I will persevere. I almost like that more then strength.
postless.
I have had blogger open for a few days now. Waiting for a second to post, to update. Its not that I don't have things to say. I have lots. My mind is constantly full. Its just to find the time to write it all down without constant interruption. I write a blog post in my head almost every time I am in the shower. The one place I *usually* have a little time to myself to think quietly. haha But sadly when I get out to put my thoughts on the blog, by the time I get ready for the day, then lunch needs to be made, a baby needs to be nursed, toys need to be picked up..you get the picture. I actually have a little time now and here I am updating on why I haven't updated. LOL I have several posts partial written as well I just never published. Sad, I know. I do regret not updating more- especially on my other blog since I have always loved looking back at what we were doing, and reading funny stories that the kids did.
I thought this blog would be great to see a healing progression of my posts as the months have gone by. Unfortunately...I haven't made it past many steps of the process yet. I am still pretty much stuck on denial and anger, or maybe I have realized there is no use in bargaining..and maybe I am already in a sense of acceptance but hanging on to the anger? I don't know. See? maybe blogging again will help with that. I do know that I don't understand why things are the way they are and though the cliche "its something you may never understand now, but someday when you get to Heaven you will ..." doesn't help. Either does the "its just meant to be, everything happens for a reason". I have figured out that its our human nature to try and find the reasons for WHY things happen to make ourselves feel better. To make sense out of something that doesn't and it usually makes us feel a little better to why life sucks sometimes. That our pain wasn't completely for nothing. When in all reality...life just sucks sometimes and there is no reason why things happen. They just do with no purpose at all, no greater plan.
SO I am here. Kids are doing great. Baby is growing wonderfully, I have pictures plenty to edit and share. 2010 is half way over, thankgoodness. Just takes a faithful blog reader to find me on facebook to give me a gentle reminder that I do have a blog and there are people who read and care. So thank you, and I am going to get back to it :) Instead of staring at blank post boxes or hitting draft instead of publish...I am going to push myself to get back on here. Ready or not, here I go....
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