Today, I am 24 weeks. Its a mini sigh of relief to know that we are at the stage of viability. There is no choice that from here on out that everything would be done keep him alive. It adds a little bit of comfort to this. But the scary reality of him being a little boy isn't exactly 100 % comforting, since little boys develop a little slower..so it makes being a micropreemie boy that much scarier. But nonetheless, 24 weeks is a good week. :) I am thankful to be at this point.
Kyle gave me my 8th P-17 shot this week. We both agreed that waiting to have him do it when he gets home from work and reffing at 11 pm, isn't the best idea. I don't know what he did this time, either does he...but whatever it was as he pulled the needle out, caused him to knick a vein?(I think he went in at a different area then usual) Blood started pumping out and his eyes got pretty big...he had to put pressure on the site with a cotton ball. Thankfully it stopped fine, but its pretty sore. Even 3 days later. So far no bruise, but the area just feels swollen/sore. Maybe that's what we get for bragging that he was doing such a good job, that other then the first evening after I get it, my hip isn't that sore at all. Oh well. Always next week to do better. haha He gets plenty of practice. :)
Emotionally? I just feel numb now. I haven't cried since I had quite the break down a couple weekends ago. I erupted into a ball of anger and tears and Kyle did all he could to comfort me, which I greatly needed. It felt good to get it out, since it had bottled up for a week..but now I am worried that I will just go through these spurts of eruption? I have no idea. Talking about it all helps, and the occasional tears are helpful, but I am still just in a stage of desolation. Waiting.
It doesn't exactly help when I get comments upon hearing the news of..."your body just can't carry twins, now can it!? " ..."ohhh what a shame it was the little girl...little girls are sooo cute!"...."maybe you just can't have girls..." (which is odd since genetically nothing was ever wrong with Ashlyn, she was just a micropreemie and her passing comes with the territory..and yet Haley is still here..and this little girl had nothing wrong with her either. Just bad luck I guess. Others include, "well at least there is one"...(but its not the same as two..like that can just replace the pain of losing one?..) I think the hardest are the overtones of the impression that I should just move on with it as if I was never pregnant with twins in the first place. Many have no idea that she is still there, its assumed she will "disappear and absorb" but at 18- 19 weeks..she will not. Or that I had a large gush of blood and "miscarried" her. Nope. There is no way to explain "WHY" this happened. There are no reasons to try to come up with to ease the pain or to give comfort. At this point I don't even want to think that this is part of a "greater plan" or "everything happens for a reason". Or that I am being punished in some way. If I believe this is somesort of punishment, then I serve a God who is unjust and evil and I don't believe that. (yes, I am sure a few have thought that maybe if we had attended church in the last 6 months more regularly, that this wouldn't have happened.... how nice is that!) I just try to keep my eyes looking up, instead of down..and hold on to the faith that through all this I will just be held by Jesus. Bad things just happen and prayers don't always get answered.. simple as that.
I found out why I can feel his movements much more like that of the 3rd trimester. Not like the little kicks, there are times he pushes way out and I can feel his head, butt, back, foot..etc. I can feel his entire body at times which is shocking this early. At my last ultrasound, the tech measured his fluid and said there was plenty..so when I asked her what she thought..her explanation was that because little girl is still down there on the bottom left side, he is pushed up to the upper part of my uterus and more on the right side. He isn't big enough yet to completely take over the space, so he is still sharing. My uterus has stopped growing at a twin rate due to the lack of hormones..so therefore not accommodating enough for that new aspect of only one, yet there is space being taken up by two. That made much more sense. Helps knowing that information. I was starting to worry I was lacking amniotic fluid, which is not the case.
The ultrasound at 22.5 weeks showed him to be growing VERY well :) He was already just over a pound and looked great. He was attempting to suck his thumbs many times, and we just watched him. Technology is just so great. It was the same tech who had to share the bad news last time, so she was so relieved to see he was doing well. My cervix did shorten a wee bit from the measurement before..but there wasn't concern yet. I go back on Feb 16th to get another measurement. I am hoping its stayed the same. I was a little worried but when I read back through Hudson's journal..(so thankful for that..) I was about this same measurement at the same time in the pregnancy. The next measurement with him showed longer. So I am crossing my fingers. If it goes any shorter I may be on some limited restrictions..which Kyle laughs and wants to know what less I can possibly do..(in a loving way..haha)
The name debate is still on going. Well its not even a debate, more of just deciding what names are the "one" as I still search for new possibilities. The idea is to find a name for little girl that would work well for the little boy to have as a middle name. We want him to have part of his sister just like we did with Haley and Ashlyn.
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