happy endings

I have watched my outlook on God change immensely this year. Sometimes I wonder how many times I can get knocked down, brush off my knees and just keep on believing. I watched what could have been a wonderful story of how He can take our trials and turn them around for praise, 2nd chances, answers to prayer, making sense of the "everything happens for a reason" all to His glory..fall to questions, frustration and losing the blind faith that He can answer all prayers. We all feel like we have a direct line to God, from simple prayers to big prayers. I wonder why my line seemed to be disconnected this year when others felt like the simplest of prayers, like having all the lights on the way to work green...were answered. It seems like more of like a half full half empty type feeling to me...Where I once praised God in all things big and small..I feel like the small things seem so trivial, since sometimes the big things can't be answered? If we really aren't in control, why bother? And since I feel we do have free will..why can people do all the right things and still have unfavorable endings? When others can do everything wrong and still get what they want?

Anyhoo..this time last year I just found out that we were getting a 2nd chance at twins. Oh my how elated and excited we were. The biggest blessing ever, something only God could have a hand in. I was the happiest I have been in 8 years. What a story! We felt like it was the perfect ending to completing our family. I felt cautious yet comforted. Lightening wouldn't strike twice would it? I was so ready to finally get my chance again. God had a sense of humor, and I laughed because anytime we planned..God laughed and showed us His plan. My pregnancy was God centered. What a testimony! I couldn't believe it!

I spoke at a March of Dimes event during this time, telling a room full of people about our story. As my eyes welled and I looked out at the attendees, there was not a dry eye. They stood and applauded, for what felt like forever..and it really was. It was the most powerful thing I have ever felt..and I HATE public speaking with a passion. I HATE IT. ha. Amazingly the entire time, I couldn't WAIT to speak next year and tell them a whole new wonderful ending. That amazing endings can happen. That with faith, prayer, and medical advances we could get those 9 months. That happy ending.

I was asked back this year. This time in Eugene. I am not ready. I can barely even think about what I am going to say with out a lump in my throat and tears filling my eyes. I have ignored it for the last couple weeks and the day is here. Maybe it is too soon. My heart still has a gaping hole that has not healed..and pretty sure this time it never will. I am changed. Its different this time then it was when we lost Ashlyn. Then I had hope for the future, to see how our life would evolve with trials..how it would change us and help us grow, to see as years go by how God had a reason for everything..now? I don't know what I have..but I feel defeated. I was so excited about 2010 and all the things it was going to bring. I feel like I have failed in some way. I am changed.

So now I get to add "the rest of the story" to quote Paul Harvey..Its not the exciting victory that I thought we were going to have when we thought we were armed with we needed. Its not the perfect ending. Its not even my 2nd chance. It is what it is.

I have 4 miracle children. True miracles. Not one of them was easy to bring into this world. Each one had its own set of complications and it truly is amazing that 4 of our 6 are with us. In all reality, only 2 really had the best chances. Even then, I kind of wonder how the heck they made it! Haley and Madden are survivors, against every odd. Madden surprised us and especially my doctor. He didn't think I would make it much farther in the pregnancy once Quinn passed away. And here he is. Even though this past year didn't end how I thought it would a year ago..I just accept that it could always have been worse. We could have lost Madden as well. He is our bittersweet happy ending. He is my joy. All 4 of them are my joy. Even though he is a surviving twin, and I will never get to experience being a twin mommy like I had always wanted to be since I was a little girl..not many can say they conceived two sets of twins naturally under the age of 30. ha. Does Hallmark make a card for that? :)

Today I will speak in front of hundreds once again. With a completely different ending then I thought I would be sharing about...but its our story...and its still happy, just in a different way. Bittersweet happy...a feeling I am all too familiar with.


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