boom boom pow...

So I can feel little one's movements all the time. (Mostly anyway..) But as soon as I try to get someone else to feel him..he stops. Its the funniest thing, I honestly think he can sense it and is already playing games. :) Kyle has been subjected to this several times. :) So yesterday he was moving quite a bit and I called Haley over. She waited and felt..and nothing. We started laughing. She walked away. 5 minutes later he did it again! So I called Haley and Easton over...and they waited...and he stopped again! So I decided to play some music, he often starts to move when he hears it. So the first thing that I came to in my itunes, was Boom Boom Pow. It was the funniest thing...we hear the beginning of the song..and it goes Boom Boom Pow....then again and almost right on beat...he kicked with the song! The kids giggled so much as they watched him kick inside from the outside with the music and felt him move.

That was a good moment, and I am so thankful we were able to share in it together. It was quite cute and so wonderful to see their eyes light up! It warmed my heart. :)


21 weeks

I am 21 weeks today. I look tired in this picture. It could be from celebrating Hudson's 3rd birthday the day this was taken (Tuesday). I had Kyle take a couple pictures that night after everyone left. I can't stand the lighting in the dining room, its so yellow. So you get a black and white picture. :) Probably better anyway so you don't see the dark circles under my eyes. haha

I never imagined this is how I would be feeling at 21 weeks. So many mixed emotions. But here it is. I am still in a holding pattern. I look at this belly picture and it makes me sad when I should be excited. The other day I saw a friend I haven't seen in months. She hugged me and said she was sorry and then said that my belly was so TINY as she rubbed it. I didn't want it to hurt my feelings, but all I could think of was..does she know how far along I am? Or is she being nice? Or is it really small ? Because getting told your belly is little is a good thing most the time. It can be seen as nicer then saying " are huge!" But I was so use to being told "WOW! you are huge!" up until 18 weeks. Because I was. I have been struggling with the idea the last couple weeks, because I do feel smaller. Kyle agreed and we even asked my nurse about it and she told me that it hasn't shrunk and hugged me. My belly doesn't feel as big to me as it was and almost like it has gotten so much smaller, but I don't know if that's my own perception..or my mind knowing that I should be bigger and I am not? Irrational fears set in and I constantly wonder if I am losing amniotic fluid,(which I am not) or if he doesn't have enough(and he does). If something isn't right. For sanity's sake..I did measure around around again several days ago- and in a week I did go up another .5 inch. So I know its growing (or I had a big meal)..but it just feels like its not. :( Not in the way I had hoped for at 21 weeks anyway when this all began.


the simple things

Right now, its one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Every morning I wake up and am reminded that the sun must rise and life does go on. But as I place my hand on my belly, I am quickly reminded of what was suppose to be and what was lost.

I am trying to find the joys in the midst of sorrow. Its the simple things I need.

I feel our little one more and more each day. He is reminding me that he is here and I need that. I have always loved feeling the little ones inside, with every movement or roll, my heart would skip as if it was the first time I have felt it each time its done. I truly love it and it amazes me, every. single. time. I appreciate it even more with this little guy. I hold my breath all through out the day, until I feel him move. Just waiting, hoping he is still there. My joy quickly turns to fear. I am paranoid and I am scared. I find comfort in listening to his beating heart. My own heart slows..and I am calm. When I turn it off, and the sound goes silent. My heart aches that I don't have the chance to hear another little heart beating away. ohhh I wish I could hear her's again. I wonder if at each appt we would have trouble distinguishing between them both because each time they were in sync with each other which made it difficult by doppler. I still wonder all the time the "what if things were different".

This morning he had the hiccups. Rhythmic bumps over and over...a pause, and then more. This went on for several minutes and then slowed down, and stopped. He is practicing breathing. His body is working and learning. I could sit here all day and feel that, and feel him move. I don't want it to stop. but as I feel more movement with one, it quickly reminds me that my little girl lay sleeping. Still. I won't feel her movements anymore. My heart starts to ache because I know that if I had my way, my little girl would be doing the same and my belly would be one busy place and I would be loving every minute. I had looked forward to that. I had already felt so much movement and then it went quiet.

That balance of joy and sorrow continue on. For every happy moment, its followed by sadness.

I learned during my first pregnancy that I would never take pregnancy for granted. Yes, you can be uncomfortable, big, sick etc and I have felt all of those. But you never know when it will end. When its time or when life will be lost. As so many friends have learned, its not easy to get pregnant. Its not easy to stay pregnant and its not easy to say goodbye. Its a gift that sometimes just gets taken away for no reason.


Caution: Bumpy road ahead.

I am telling ya, I have never seen a grey hair so far..not bad for approaching my 30's. But give me 4 more months and I am sure I will be sprouting plenty. :( Shortly after my post this morning, I was alarmed by some bleeding. Why not right? I shouldn't have been surprised. So I called the doctors office. They called back and went through the questions and were going to call me back. Finally called back and the idea was if I bled again, to call immediately. If I wanted to come in, I was more then welcome, but being an hour away, I could stick with the if it happens again thing, but up to me and how I was feeling. aka- if I was paranoid out of my mind. I was also considering the 3 day weekend ahead. If it happened again, it would be a trip to the hospital, whoever was on call and I just didn't want to deal with that. And you can imagine, with everything going on, bleeding just never seems like a good thing even if its once, in a situation like mine. My heart and mind can not take anymore. So it worked out to go in the afternoon. My wonderful sister went with me because Kyle had to continue his overtime for work. It was so nice to have her there!! The u/s tech was so sweet and very respectful...not commenting about twins, she was kind to not scan baby girl so much either. She went straight for little boys heart and showed us on the screen that it was just fine and we listened to a wonderful 150 beats per min.

His heart keeps mine going. His fluid was good. He looked good and wiggley in there. Opening and closing his mouth several times and then covering his face with his hands. He is breech now. I am not children prefer that position. (He looks like Hudson did!)

She couldn't find a reason for the bleeding. Thank goodness. But it doesn't make it any easier to wonder just why....why can't this road be easy. I got into an exam room and my nurse hooked me up to the monitor to check for contractions, which I had been having before I got there. And all was quiet there. Phew! After waiting and waiting to see my doctor, I have to say it was fun to pass the time even in the moment of still just not knowing what was going on. My sister and I spent our time giggling. Which I really really needed after the last two weeks. My doc came in, did his exam, and basically the result is we know where its coming from but its not a concern to the actual pregnancy- its not my uterus, its not the placentas. Its my pathetic cervix. Its just how it is and unfortunately probably not the last time it will happen. So that sucks. But its good since there are no other concerns with it. He was so wonderful and assured me to keep calling if anything happens, changes etc. That its just fine and they understand. We kind of got the impression that its going to be a bumpy road. *sigh* My nurse even gave me her number to call her with any non emergency questions. She said I am one of 5 who has gotten it. ;) I am thankful we are in good hands and that I have such a great nurse. (I say my nurse, because I only have her- I think they keep the same nurses assigned to the same patients unless you come in when they aren't working)

In other news, the amnio results were in and so he shared that. It was just as we expected. Our baby girl was perfect. There were NO complications with her chromosomes. He said we will never know why she passed :( Our baby boy has perfect chromosomes as well. I am so thankful for that.

I canceled my appt for next week, since we did most of it today anyway. I go back in 2 weeks and we will do another u/s of baby boy and recheck him and check his growth etc. I am hoping for a quiet two weeks, only full of heartbeats and kicking.



Just waiting for the phone call. I am hoping to get the results of the amnios any day now. Every time the phone rings, my stomach knots up and my heart starts beating very quickly. I check caller ID and no. My heart starts to slow back down, the stomach relaxes. I don't even know why I am getting so nervous, I guess its because I am just worried in two ways. 1. waiting for the other shoe to drop- what more can happen to us? It just doesn't feel like we are going to be safe the next 20 weeks from anymore heartache or pain. I am scared that his results will come up with something. 2. I just have this feeling that we will be forever left with out a reason on why baby girl passed away. I don't know what is worse, never knowing why God took her from us. Because there is no way anyone can rationalize this one. There is no perfect plan in this. This can not be "meant to be". Or finding out that her little body was not working correctly and she was going to pass away before birth or shortly after. Will that give us peace of mind? will having a reason make it sting a little less? I don't know. I may be able to accept it more. But I just don't know.

I just want the phone to finally ring with the results. I need to breathe again.


Our little Angel..

It started with the first weekend of the New Year. We celebrated with an Irish Good Luck dinner at my parents house and watched the Rose Bowl. Saturday we took the kids to Chuck E Cheese to let them run around and play for about an hour then we went to the Woodburn Outlets. About this time on Saturday I wasn't feeling well. I told Kyle it was strange because it felt like my morning sickness had come back and I had been feeling really good for a couple weeks. So I thought maybe I really was just car sick, which has been happening more when I am pregnant. We walked around and I wasn't in the mood to buy any maternity clothes. I couldn't find a coat I liked, I just wasn't in the mood I guess. I told Kyle a few times that I didn't feel "good"..but it was hard to explain. Like something just wasn't right, but overall- I felt fine. No contractions, no pain, nothing that I could pin point. It was strange. We got a call from some friends of ours who were in town that we haven't seen in over a year and they were leaving the next day and wanted to know if we could come over or dinner. So we did. We had a good time visiting with them and headed home. Sunday came and we went to a family reunion a couple hours away. About this time I again was having that morning sickness feeling again and this time I started to have a paranoid feeling. I wasn't feeling the babies move as much. But it wasn't that surprising because I could only feel them every once in awhile as it was, I think I was just hoping that since I was 18 weeks now, I would magically start to feel them more often during the day. I told Kyle that I wondered if our little boy was more in the middle because I wasn't feeling him very often at all. I could feel our little girl off and on because she was so low, but it was like maybe before I would fall asleep or if I was laying on the couch. It was never all day, maybe twice a day? He assured me and told me not to worry about it because they are so little still.

We got home that night and settled in and watched tv. We were watching Desperate Housewives and Lynette got the news that one of her twins had passed. Kyle was like..does that happen?? and I told him yes it can, but not often at all and I told him about one person I had known on a loss of a twin message board, who had her little girl pass almost into the 3rd trimester and the other survived and was born a month or so later. I started to cry and told him that I wouldn't feel safe until they were both in our arms and coming home. At this point I never even thought about losing them before they were born. I thought our biggest hurdle would just be getting them here as close to term as possible. Why would God Bless us with twins again, only to take one away ? So that wasn't going to happen.

Monday came and I just took it easy and layed on the couch. I still wasn't feeling great, still a little nauseous but this whole time, as I approach another week in my pregnancy I would notice a surge or change in hormones would make me feel a little more sick anyway. So it didn't seem so weird. I was happy to have my u/s and appt the next day because I told Kyle that if I didn't have it I would probably call and tell them that I just didn't "feel right" and wanted to come in because I was being paranoid. I figured I had to have some sort of infection or something that just made me feel icky, but I didn't have symptoms of anything. I was also due to have another progesterone shot in a day and as I approach the next dose I always feel icky my body needs the progesterone and as soon as I get it by the night/ next morning I am always feeling better. Psychological it may be, but it helps :) I noticed this with Hudson's pregnancy as well.

Tuesday was worse anxiety wise and I was thankful my appt was in just a few hours. I wanted to get in. I wanted to check on my cervix, concerned that just maybe I was going into preterm labor. I was still dealing with morning sickness and wasn't feeling well. I emailed Kyle at work and asked if there was anyway he could work the rest of the time from home before my appt and get Easton from the bus stop. He was going to ask. I threw up. He was on his way. He gave me my 3rd progesterone shot before we left. It eased my mind a little.

At this point I am questioning everything in my mind on the way up. Has she been moving? How do I know?? I usually only feel them before I fall asleep or while I am on the couch and even then I don't know who I am feeling! Was that movement? no, probably an empty stomach. Whats that pain? probably nothing. I think I am you think my belly has shrunk?? I know it has..I wonder if I am losing amniotic fluid and I can't tell....I knew Kyle thought my stomach looked smaller too...I don't think I have been having contractions..or have I?

The hour drive is much too long with an overactive mind. Kyle drops me off and the elevator is broken, so I walk up a flight of stairs. He joins me in the waiting room and I quickly go in for my u/s. The tech tells me it will only be a quick u/s to check on their heartbeats and just a measurement or two before checking my cervix and then I will go see my doctor. She begins and makes small talk about if we know the sexes, and asks about our other children and how its our 2nd set of twins.....and I see both of them..holding my breath I wait to see both move, she moves around to get into position and I notice that she isn't moving, she scans over her quickly, pushes a little on her and moves to baby b, her voice changes and she goes, he is looking good....heart rate here...good...ah, he is an active one...and goes back down..where our little girl lay sleeping. Having enough of these, I notice I don't see a flicker of her heart. I don't see the dark spot of her stomach. I notice her brain doesn't have definition of two halves like it did just two weeks before. My heart races, my eyes well up with tears, and that sinking feeling that something wasn't right just became my reality...She pushes on her again, zooms in closely on her chest and reads for heart activity...nothing. Her face has dropped..the room is still. Kyle got up and was by my side and she told me she would be right back and was going to get my dr to see if he could get a better reading, that sometimes when there are twins the one on top pushes them down and gets them in a hard to read position..I knew she was lying. I knew what it meant. She walked out and I burst into tears. My doctor came in and he looked at me and said, I know you know what this means...and we don't know why...let me have a look. He showed me that she had some swelling around her brain, and her body. He said it could have been because she had passed, or that there could be a marker for something chromosomally wrong. He apologized...and said there was nothing that we could have done, or that I could have done, that these things just happen sometimes. He said that we needed to talk more and would meet me in an exam room to talk about what this means. I asked about my cervix, because at this point, I didn't want to know that my sinking feeling all weekend was in fact that my heart and body knew our little girl passed, I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else. So he said it was fine and they checked my cervix which was just fine. I hated that the boys were with us, I hated that Easton knows all too well what life and death mean as he sadly proclaims as I am getting dressed...."Mom....Baby A died, huh??" She is up in Heaven with Ashlyn now, right?" My heart broke even more. We got into a room and as we tried to discuss everything the boys were at their worst and I am sure they could feel every tension and tear that Kyle and I had. He called his mom and she was at the Portland office and came right over to pick the boys up for us and took them home.

We waited. We were numb. I sobbed uncontrollably. My dr asked if we wanted to do an amnio to see if we could find a cause to why this happened. There were no for sure answers and we may get no answers, but if there was, we might get something to help with peace of mind. We agreed. He explained that because she was farther along, she will stay there until they are born. I asked more questions. She will not absorb away. She will be born and look like an 18 week baby would look. As he grows he will just push her off to the side to make room. He said it was good news they were fraternal as identical we would have a whole list of more issues with a worst outcome. He said it was good they have separate placentas, separate sacs and are completely two different babies. That gives us the best chance that everything will be fine and we will go to term. We talked to a geneticist, I signed papers. We waited. How could this happen again...HOW could we lose another twin..WHY did God do this again, this far along? What will happen now? WILL we lose him too???

I went into another room and was met with my dr and a tech. The sets of needles, trays, and tubes were set out. He looked again at both of them on the screen to find the best places to enter into. Her fluid was less as I asked him about that and told him that I knew something wasn't right this weekend but I had no idea what. I told him that I guessed it was probably Friday or Saturday that she passed with how I was feeling. We did her amnio first since it was most important to get. I will not lie, amnio's do not feel good. I had two with the girls as soon as I arrived at St Vincents, and recall that they sucked then too. I think because it was unexpected and under the circumstances my entire body was tense, I had no time to prepare, it wasn't something I was wanting to do obviously. I closed my eyes as he took took two vials of her fluid. It was certain her fluid was not well and obvious there were no mistakes made of her passing. I wasn't going to be waking up from this nightmare anytime soon. Kyle asked based on her color of fluid if you can tell how long, and he agreed that it was fairly recent and that I was probably correct on when. :( he then inserted a blue dye so that way when we did our little boy's amnio, he would know for sure that we got the correct sac. I asked Kyle if he was for sure set on doing the other amnio and he said he was..but that if I didn't want to, that I didn't have to. I just didn't want to because I didn't want to feel the needle, the pressure and the pushing all over again. But I knew I needed to for my sanity. He carefully went in, careful not to knick our little one and was able to do it safely and got the correct fluid and his was obviously the way it should look. Nice and clear. Then they took my blood to test it too. You see..when one twin dies, and your body begins to take care of it, I could be left with out some important factors and when it came time to deliver, I could have some serious complications. The test already came back on that and I am ok. They will do another in a month or so.

We were in the process of naming our little ones...and I feel cheated that she didn't have a name yet. I feel like I let her down. We plan on giving her a name but just don't know what yet.

My heart is broken on so many levels. Worse pain ever imagined doubled. We thought this would be our happy ending to completing our family. We thought it was our chance since it wasn't something we had planned. We have been faced with so much heartache the last 7.5 years, I just thought this was a blessing. Not a curse. I have said before the saying, I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much... Well I am starting to question why He thinks I am so strong and could handle losing another twin, losing another baby girl. Feeling this lost and alone. I am feeling picked on more then anything, and I wish I wasn't strong so I could get my happy endings! This past week, I have been feeling like I must have done something wrong wanting this so bad, wanting them to be ok, feeling that this was a blessing and looking forward to it, that I wish maybe I hadn't been excited about getting twins again then maybe everything would be fine and she would be kicking happily inside me. :( I just don't know.

I know in my heart that Ashlyn in in Heaven holding her baby sister and trying to comfort me and tell me its going to be ok..its just so hard right now to see past the tears.
And this is just the beginning...


I never imagined..

It would all change so suddenly. A new year, half way through a wonderful twin pregnancy, life was slowing down..I was going to start updating past appointments and begin to blog about our pregnancy pretty regularly. Its been fairly "slow" with news until now...

I never imagined I would change this blog header before blogging again.
I never imagined that my blog would go from full of excitement to sorrow and fear so quickly.

I never imagined I would feel so lucky and cursed at the same time.

I never imagined I would lose another baby girl.
I never imagined I would again- never know what it was like carry twins, to raise twins.
I never imagined I would again, have a survivor and yet still be very scared for him...

I never imagined that this would be our life again.

A life of love and grief.

We thought God had a sense of humor blessing us with twins us that 2nd I am a just heartbroken that I ever had that hope.

I walk the road of healing once again. I will struggle through each stage of grief. The shock and denial, the pain and guilt, frustration and anger, the depression, reflection and loneliness and finally the reconstruction, acceptance and hope. This road is not foreign, I remember each stage all too well and looking back I know I was carried through a great deal of it. I am extremely angry at God right now. He knows this and I am not ashamed to say it. My faith is deep and strong. But right now I am giving myself permission to be as angry as I want to be, I know God can handle it and I know God will forgive me. But right now this does not make sense to us and to have it happen again after feeling so blessed to have been given this opportunity again just to have it ripped away..well- it feels cursed. I know in time and as I heal, I will have been carried just as I was once before. Its just going to be a long road to get there.

This blog will now be a journey of much more..a journal of praise for my baby boy growing inside, a journal of fear that consumes me for his safety, a journal of pain and tears as I grieve our little girl, a journal of healing. Another new journey that will forever be apart of our life.


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