This time last year...

Anyone who has dealt with a life changing event, with grief, knows exactly what I am talking about. Its the sick game that we play as every little thing reminds us of what was going on last year at this time. All of those anniversaries, milestones, holidays.

October 13th I sat in a waiting room with my husband and 3 children. Waiting to see our future child's heartbeat and got the surprise of our life..two beautiful heartbeats. We laughed. Little tears ran down my checks as I watched that screen. Tears of pure joy. The tech didn't quite understand, so we explained God's gift to us- everything fit into place. Everything had a reason now. We immediately called our family in the car on the way to a photoshoot I had set up. I could barely concentrate while I took pictures of a baby boy...excitedly saying, "oh my gosh" over and over. I was in shock.

This time last year, I was sick as could be and doing photoshoots, many of my clients probably wondered why I was so pale. Trying every morning sickness trick in the book..I just prayed I didn't throw up at their house. Many of them I told our exciting news to. It was hard not to share the gift God was blessing us with. This year, those who didn't know what happened looked at me a little sideways when I brought just one baby with me remembering that I had said I was pregnant with twins...others who knew, said nothing.

Last year at Halloween, I thought about Halloween 2010... cute costumes for all 5 kids..what would the twins be?? Would I have enough time to make the costumes? would they all let me pick a theme? would we have boys or girls or one of each??

Right after Thanksgiving last year we found out we would be having a boy and a girl. Nothing could have been more perfect. I was scared to have 2 girls..for all those reasons of our first set. Too similar and I didn't want all of those feelings to come back. I didn't want them to be identical either because I was scared for anything to go wrong with placentas etc. So one of each? a sister for Haley and a brother for the boys. I was going to get my pink one more time. I thought about this time next year and how I would get to dress her in dresses, and have baby dolls and strollers again. Dress up and bows...

This time last year, I got my Christmas decorations out. Remember my stocking story? Ya.. well I am not looking for that moment this year as I pull them all out. It stings. a lot.

This time last year, I was looking at Children's place and matching little girl dresses to big girl dresses, and little boy vests and dress shirts to big boy shirts..all matching each other. Matching jammies, and Picturing how adorable they would all look and hoping I could get the perfect Christmas card photo for 2010. Last year I was thinking about what it would be like to take all 5 kids to see Santa, and wanted to make sure the twins sat separately so they always had an individual picture with Santa too. I couldn't wait to have two crawling around a Christmas tree...finally.

Instead, I think of the woman who was foolishly excited, happy and so full of joy at this time last year. How she thought 2010 had so much in store and couldn't wait for them to be in her arms. She thought about how it would be the next year with sleeping arrangements, who would go where, carseats and highchairs. She thought about what would need to be done if she went on bedrest. She thought about getting to each safety milestone, 24 weeks, 28 weeks, 32...knowing she would do everything it would take to get them as close to term as possible so they would be healthy.

She never thought it would be like this. That wouldn't happen again. Nope. God wouldn't do that. She wouldn't get a 2nd chance to just go through grief again. Maybe have NICU time, but never did her thoughts go there. Little did she know what was going to happen just after the New Year.

May 27th 2002 changed me in more ways ever imaginable especially at the age of 22. I was now a person who understood that life wasn't perfect or goes as planned. I learned the hard way that heartache was real and saying goodbye to your baby was indescribable. I had to be strong, I leaned on God. I learned to live my new normal. I trusted that there was a reason for life to be the way it was and was forever changed.

This time last year, I was a different person then I am this year. I will never be that person again... my outlook on life is different and once again has been forever changed. I again have another new normal. A new NEW normal. A normal that I wish was different. 2010 has made me who I will be now, just as 2002 did.

For now, I just keep playing that game of "This time last year"...as I hit all of those year milestones...and instead of looking back fondly on those memories, it just reminds me that things should be different.