Strength

I have always been told I am strong.

In elementary school a friend and I would get into an arguement. Typically (if I wasn't in the wrong) I would stand my ground and not play into the "crap" and go play something else. Sometimes I would be alone, sometimes a friend or two would come with me. The other person often ran off with 5 of our friends and cried her eyes away. So much support went to her and I never understood why especially because she was the one being mean.

I was strong. I wasn't going to be "weak" and try to get a ton of attention from it.

When I went on bedrest with the girls, I was told how strong I was. How they didn't think they would be able to sit there without going crazy for so long not getting out of bed or showering. How they didn't know how I didn't just sit there and cry and be scared I was going to lose them. I was scared. Terrified. But I didn't have a choice. I had to do it for my girls. I had to be strong. If I was weak, I wouldn't get safely to a milestone I needed them to be at to survive. Once there, honestly- not a moment crossed my mind once they were both born fighting that I would lose one. I thought I already endured the hardest thing in my life and that we had made it. Until the next day. Saying goodbye? It was unbelievable. I was told how amazingly strong I was. I had to wake up and take care of my other little girl that needed me. I had to be strong. For her and me. I was told many times how they didn't know how I could do it. If it were them, they would have never gotten out of bed. They wouldn't be able to do it. At this point, I was wondering WHY if all these other women have told me they couldn't be strong..why did I HAVE to be strong so I could go through this? I didn't want to be strong. I didn't want tragedy to chose ME because I could deal with it... I would have rather have both my girls then be strong.

As the years went on I turned the worst days of my life around for the good. Not a day went by I didn't think of what we had been through. Think about my twins. about our little girl gone. Or see my wonderfully LUCKY little girl growing and thriving with out complications. It just became life. In this time I have helped other women who have been touched with loss, raised money and awareness. Spoke at walks and dinners. I was strong. When others would have fell apart. Not wanted to get out of bed. Struggled to live or find the light in heartbreak. I dug in deep and held on to my faith and was strong.

When I found out we were expecting twins again. I was terrified. I already knew what the worst thing that could happen was. Lived it already. Been there. My faith was so strong. I prayed daily sometimes hourly for my growing babies. I was strong when all I felt like I was doing was reliving a painful past. It was hard to block the fears out of losing one or both. But I had faith that God gave me these two babies for a reason. This time it was going to work out. It had to. Because a person can only be so strong right? I couldn't live in that fear.

Its been 8 months since our lives changed and we lost another little girl but the reality of it for only 3 months. I had support from friends and family in the beginning. But life goes on. And I know its not far from their minds but its also not in the front. But again...I am suppose to be strong, and move on. I am sure its the same in any situation..losing a loved one, dealing with cancer or some other life changing event. Everyone rallies around..then as time goes on...it dwindles. And the person is left to be strong. alone. And when I say alone..its more of a internal alone..because you can be surrounded daily with people and live life and still feel alone. It just takes time. This time, I am having a harder time finding that "strong" I have seemed to be so full of before. Before I leaned on God,...and now..that faith feels silent. I often wonder why as Christians we work so hard to help others come to faith, but don't often help lift up those with a dimming light and struggling. Is it because we don't have the answers when bad things happen and when they happen a couple times, what do you say to that? We are good at praising the triumphs. But the trials? Those are harder to explain. So is it better left unsaid?

I would joke and quote Mother Teresa.. "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. " Many times I begged God to stop trusting me so much. I didn't want to be strong. People who weren't strong didn't have to go through these things. I often wondered if I were "weak" or if I couldn't handle it that maybe I wouldn't have lost my girls?

I am hearing those all too familiar words again...At least you still have one. Yes. Madden is the best thing ever and I am so thankful for him. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't have two. That I had to return little girl clothes back to the store. That all the excitement of being a mother of twins again was gone. Its so often with a surviving twin, that the grief of the other one is masked. People don't understand how a mother can be sad when she is still holding one of the babies. Its still not both of them. Your heart always feels like there is mothering left undone.

I was also told again this week after I was asked how many kids I had and that I had my hands full.. if they only knew how much more full they would have been....

I don't want to be strong. But this feeling of being weak doesn't feel so good either. Instead of strength at this point, its more like perseverance.

I will persevere. I almost like that more then strength.