postless.

I have had blogger open for a few days now. Waiting for a second to post, to update. Its not that I don't have things to say. I have lots. My mind is constantly full. Its just to find the time to write it all down without constant interruption. I write a blog post in my head almost every time I am in the shower. The one place I *usually* have a little time to myself to think quietly. haha But sadly when I get out to put my thoughts on the blog, by the time I get ready for the day, then lunch needs to be made, a baby needs to be nursed, toys need to be picked up..you get the picture. I actually have a little time now and here I am updating on why I haven't updated. LOL I have several posts partial written as well I just never published. Sad, I know. I do regret not updating more- especially on my other blog since I have always loved looking back at what we were doing, and reading funny stories that the kids did.

I thought this blog would be great to see a healing progression of my posts as the months have gone by. Unfortunately...I haven't made it past many steps of the process yet. I am still pretty much stuck on denial and anger, or maybe I have realized there is no use in bargaining..and maybe I am already in a sense of acceptance but hanging on to the anger? I don't know. See? maybe blogging again will help with that. I do know that I don't understand why things are the way they are and though the cliche "its something you may never understand now, but someday when you get to Heaven you will ..." doesn't help. Either does the "its just meant to be, everything happens for a reason". I have figured out that its our human nature to try and find the reasons for WHY things happen to make ourselves feel better. To make sense out of something that doesn't and it usually makes us feel a little better to why life sucks sometimes. That our pain wasn't completely for nothing. When in all reality...life just sucks sometimes and there is no reason why things happen. They just do with no purpose at all, no greater plan.

SO I am here. Kids are doing great. Baby is growing wonderfully, I have pictures plenty to edit and share. 2010 is half way over, thankgoodness. Just takes a faithful blog reader to find me on facebook to give me a gentle reminder that I do have a blog and there are people who read and care. So thank you, and I am going to get back to it :) Instead of staring at blank post boxes or hitting draft instead of publish...I am going to push myself to get back on here. Ready or not, here I go....