21 weeks

I am 21 weeks today. I look tired in this picture. It could be from celebrating Hudson's 3rd birthday the day this was taken (Tuesday). I had Kyle take a couple pictures that night after everyone left. I can't stand the lighting in the dining room, its so yellow. So you get a black and white picture. :) Probably better anyway so you don't see the dark circles under my eyes. haha

I never imagined this is how I would be feeling at 21 weeks. So many mixed emotions. But here it is. I am still in a holding pattern. I look at this belly picture and it makes me sad when I should be excited. The other day I saw a friend I haven't seen in months. She hugged me and said she was sorry and then said that my belly was so TINY as she rubbed it. I didn't want it to hurt my feelings, but all I could think of was..does she know how far along I am? Or is she being nice? Or is it really small ? Because getting told your belly is little is a good thing most the time. It can be seen as nicer then saying "WOW..you are huge!" But I was so use to being told "WOW! you are huge!" up until 18 weeks. Because I was. I have been struggling with the idea the last couple weeks, because I do feel smaller. Kyle agreed and we even asked my nurse about it and she told me that it hasn't shrunk and hugged me. My belly doesn't feel as big to me as it was and almost like it has gotten so much smaller, but I don't know if that's my own perception..or my mind knowing that I should be bigger and I am not? Irrational fears set in and I constantly wonder if I am losing amniotic fluid,(which I am not) or if he doesn't have enough(and he does). If something isn't right. For sanity's sake..I did measure around around again several days ago- and in a week I did go up another .5 inch. So I know its growing (or I had a big meal)..but it just feels like its not. :( Not in the way I had hoped for at 21 weeks anyway when this all began.

Teresa  – (January 22, 2010 at 7:06 PM)  

You look adorable!!! I continue to pray for you and can't imagine the feelings and thoughts that run through your head on an hourly and daily basis. Can't wait to meet that healthy baby boy in 19 weeks!!! love ya!

Twinkletoes  – (January 24, 2010 at 6:38 PM)  

I love these pictures! The second one could be on a magazine cover!

Amy  – (January 26, 2010 at 1:18 PM)  

I agree...I think you are one of the cutest pregnant ladies I know!!! Love you!

JodieT  – (January 30, 2010 at 10:32 AM)  

I read your blog from time to time and cry along with you. Losing a twin and remaining pregnant is so very hard and hurts so much. You want to be happy, you need to be sad. You want to be strong (and people tell you to be for your other baby) but shutting down seems easier. I hated ultrasounds after we lost one of our boys, I hated answering questions, hating meeting new medical staff.
And yet I marveled at each movement, wishing I could have gotten to the point of constant and distinctive twin movements...even at 23.5 weeks when we lost Cole I couldn't tell who was who.
I too felt I looked smaller...it's funny how those that know told you before how HUGE you look and after you lose they don't say much about it all.
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and if you ever want to chat drop me a line at jodietummers@gmail.com

Jodie  – (January 31, 2010 at 5:22 PM)  

I'm gonna chop off about 1/2 my Butt (i have more if you need it) and send it to you! You can just put it in your back pockets. I'm a giver like that!:) haha No Seriously you look Awesome,love the pictures!

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