21 weeks

I am 21 weeks today. I look tired in this picture. It could be from celebrating Hudson's 3rd birthday the day this was taken (Tuesday). I had Kyle take a couple pictures that night after everyone left. I can't stand the lighting in the dining room, its so yellow. So you get a black and white picture. :) Probably better anyway so you don't see the dark circles under my eyes. haha

I never imagined this is how I would be feeling at 21 weeks. So many mixed emotions. But here it is. I am still in a holding pattern. I look at this belly picture and it makes me sad when I should be excited. The other day I saw a friend I haven't seen in months. She hugged me and said she was sorry and then said that my belly was so TINY as she rubbed it. I didn't want it to hurt my feelings, but all I could think of was..does she know how far along I am? Or is she being nice? Or is it really small ? Because getting told your belly is little is a good thing most the time. It can be seen as nicer then saying "WOW..you are huge!" But I was so use to being told "WOW! you are huge!" up until 18 weeks. Because I was. I have been struggling with the idea the last couple weeks, because I do feel smaller. Kyle agreed and we even asked my nurse about it and she told me that it hasn't shrunk and hugged me. My belly doesn't feel as big to me as it was and almost like it has gotten so much smaller, but I don't know if that's my own perception..or my mind knowing that I should be bigger and I am not? Irrational fears set in and I constantly wonder if I am losing amniotic fluid,(which I am not) or if he doesn't have enough(and he does). If something isn't right. For sanity's sake..I did measure around around again several days ago- and in a week I did go up another .5 inch. So I know its growing (or I had a big meal)..but it just feels like its not. :( Not in the way I had hoped for at 21 weeks anyway when this all began.