the simple things

Right now, its one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Every morning I wake up and am reminded that the sun must rise and life does go on. But as I place my hand on my belly, I am quickly reminded of what was suppose to be and what was lost.

I am trying to find the joys in the midst of sorrow. Its the simple things I need.

I feel our little one more and more each day. He is reminding me that he is here and I need that. I have always loved feeling the little ones inside, with every movement or roll, my heart would skip as if it was the first time I have felt it each time its done. I truly love it and it amazes me, every. single. time. I appreciate it even more with this little guy. I hold my breath all through out the day, until I feel him move. Just waiting, hoping he is still there. My joy quickly turns to fear. I am paranoid and I am scared. I find comfort in listening to his beating heart. My own heart slows..and I am calm. When I turn it off, and the sound goes silent. My heart aches that I don't have the chance to hear another little heart beating away. ohhh I wish I could hear her's again. I wonder if at each appt we would have trouble distinguishing between them both because each time they were in sync with each other which made it difficult by doppler. I still wonder all the time the "what if things were different".


This morning he had the hiccups. Rhythmic bumps over and over...a pause, and then more. This went on for several minutes and then slowed down, and stopped. He is practicing breathing. His body is working and learning. I could sit here all day and feel that, and feel him move. I don't want it to stop. but as I feel more movement with one, it quickly reminds me that my little girl lay sleeping. Still. I won't feel her movements anymore. My heart starts to ache because I know that if I had my way, my little girl would be doing the same and my belly would be one busy place and I would be loving every minute. I had looked forward to that. I had already felt so much movement and then it went quiet.

That balance of joy and sorrow continue on. For every happy moment, its followed by sadness.

I learned during my first pregnancy that I would never take pregnancy for granted. Yes, you can be uncomfortable, big, sick etc and I have felt all of those. But you never know when it will end. When its time or when life will be lost. As so many friends have learned, its not easy to get pregnant. Its not easy to stay pregnant and its not easy to say goodbye. Its a gift that sometimes just gets taken away for no reason.