Waiting..

Just waiting for the phone call. I am hoping to get the results of the amnios any day now. Every time the phone rings, my stomach knots up and my heart starts beating very quickly. I check caller ID and no. My heart starts to slow back down, the stomach relaxes. I don't even know why I am getting so nervous, I guess its because I am just worried in two ways. 1. waiting for the other shoe to drop- what more can happen to us? It just doesn't feel like we are going to be safe the next 20 weeks from anymore heartache or pain. I am scared that his results will come up with something. 2. I just have this feeling that we will be forever left with out a reason on why baby girl passed away. I don't know what is worse, never knowing why God took her from us. Because there is no way anyone can rationalize this one. There is no perfect plan in this. This can not be "meant to be". Or finding out that her little body was not working correctly and she was going to pass away before birth or shortly after. Will that give us peace of mind? will having a reason make it sting a little less? I don't know. I may be able to accept it more. But I just don't know.

I just want the phone to finally ring with the results. I need to breathe again.