I never imagined..

It would all change so suddenly. A new year, half way through a wonderful twin pregnancy, life was slowing down..I was going to start updating past appointments and begin to blog about our pregnancy pretty regularly. Its been fairly "slow" with news until now...

I never imagined I would change this blog header before blogging again.
I never imagined that my blog would go from full of excitement to sorrow and fear so quickly.

I never imagined I would feel so lucky and cursed at the same time.

I never imagined I would lose another baby girl.
I never imagined I would again- never know what it was like carry twins, to raise twins.
I never imagined I would again, have a survivor and yet still be very scared for him...

I never imagined that this would be our life again.

A life of love and grief.

We thought God had a sense of humor blessing us with twins again..giving us that 2nd chance...now I am a just heartbroken that I ever had that hope.

I walk the road of healing once again. I will struggle through each stage of grief. The shock and denial, the pain and guilt, frustration and anger, the depression, reflection and loneliness and finally the reconstruction, acceptance and hope. This road is not foreign, I remember each stage all too well and looking back I know I was carried through a great deal of it. I am extremely angry at God right now. He knows this and I am not ashamed to say it. My faith is deep and strong. But right now I am giving myself permission to be as angry as I want to be, I know God can handle it and I know God will forgive me. But right now this does not make sense to us and to have it happen again after feeling so blessed to have been given this opportunity again just to have it ripped away..well- it feels cursed. I know in time and as I heal, I will have been carried just as I was once before. Its just going to be a long road to get there.

This blog will now be a journey of much more..a journal of praise for my baby boy growing inside, a journal of fear that consumes me for his safety, a journal of pain and tears as I grieve our little girl, a journal of healing. Another new journey that will forever be apart of our life.